Inspirational Women Series created by Tracey S. Yang Article #4 with Cherie Faus-Smith
Cherie Faus-Smith is a speaker, mentor, and published author. She is a beacon of light for individuals who are experiencing domestic abuse, and she shines this light toward survivors to a path of prevention. This path of prevention directs them toward healthy relationships.
1. What is one piece of advice that has impacted you the most?
In my late twenties, during a challenging time in my life when an important decision needed to be made and I was feeling unsure, my dad told me that we all need to make decisions. He reminded me that I can’t get stuck in the thoughts of which decision to make because of fear but instead make the decision and only after that decision has been made will I know whether it was the right or wrong decision.
2. What is your favorite quote, and why?
“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies” – Author Unknown
At 16, my life changed when I met a guy in a grocery store parking lot. He had wavy brown hair, velvety brown eyes, and this confidence about him that made my knees buckle. I was a romantic and, oh boy, I fell hard for him. We dated for two years before I saw the light. He was my first true love, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I kept explaining the hurt feelings away, but his abusive behavior escalated. He began isolating me from my friends, school activities, and family. He wouldn’t ever let me be without him. Our relationship revolved around him, and I forgot about my needs.
I lost my identity in that relationship, and it’s taken me thirty-five years to find that girl again. I hadn’t figured out who I was yet when I found myself in another abusive relationship. He seemed like the perfect gentleman while we were dating.
I married him; our relationship deteriorated. I thought I had found a man who would cherish and love me forever. Boy, was I wrong. I lost my way and could no longer see the signs.
I was unsure of myself – my looks, my actions, my very core. I met a new man and fell hook, line, and sinker. We were married for almost six years.
Never once in that time did I feel safe with him, but I stayed because, in my mind, I thought he would change. Once he physically put his hands on me, it was time to make a decision. That’s what it took for me to walk away, especially since we had a young child together.
I had, unknowingly, developed an unhealthy pattern that attracted abusive relationships. I didn’t really know what healthy love for myself or in a relationship should look and feel like. It was a hard lesson to learn.
I spent a lot of time undoing the hurt, pain, and confusion inside, and then learning how to care for myself. Even though it wasn’t easy, I didn’t give up.
I had to figure out what was best for me and allow myself to be CHERIE! The life cycle of a butterfly includes a process called metamorphosis where each butterfly goes through 4 stages before turning into a beautiful butterfly. That is how I see myself.
3. Offer some words of encouragement to other women who are experiencing abuse.
- You are worthy.
- You are courageous.
- You deserve better.
- You are special.
- You are loved.
4. What are the signs to look out for when wanting to enter into a new relationship that is healthy?
There are 10 signs to look out for when wanting to enter into a healthy relationship. You can find the 10 signs here at One Love with detailed descriptions for each sign.
5. Tell our readers about your relationship that you have with your husband. There are many others out there that would like to see that there is hope of entering into a loving relationship after they have experienced an abusive relationship.
My husband, Craig, and I celebrated 19 years of marriage this past August. What I love most about him is that he allows me to be myself, which is something I never felt able to do in past relationships. From the beginning of our relationship, we were always truthful with one another, so there were never any secrets.
Because I had left an abusive marriage with my 3-year-old son, it was important for me to trust him. He respects the importance for me to spend time with my family and friends. Craig has never questioned who I was going out with or how long I will be away from home.
I’m not going to paint our marriage as perfect, but we have worked extremely hard by keeping the lines of communication open to make sure that we remain on the same page. He has been an incredible role model to my son as well and that makes me love him all the more.
6. For others that see that their loved one is in an abusive relationship, what can these others do to help support this loved one?
One of the most difficult things to hear is that a loved one is in an abusive relationship. Your first instinct is to tell them that they need to leave, but unfortunately, they will not listen. What you need to understand is that the person who is in an abusive relationship truly loves that person who is abusing them.
I have a few friends who are in unhealthy or abusive relationships, and it’s frustrating when they don’t heed my advice. I do, however, know they hear what I am saying, but they’re just not ready to leave.
The biggest thing you can offer a loved one is your ability to hear them. Allow them to voice their concerns while supporting them. It goes a long way by allowing them to voice their concerns and know they are being heard than for you to tell them what they need to do.
7. Loved ones of abuse survivors sometimes become frustrated that the abused will not leave the relationship right away. Explain to others why it is sometimes unsafe for survivors to leave their relationships right away. Why do you think that it is so important to plan when leaving physically abusive relationships? Why do you think listening to the right advice is also important when deciding to leave?
The first 48 hours is the most dangerous time for a person to leave an abusive relationship. The reason is that an abuser feels they’ve lost control and can become agitated, angry, and explosive. When I left my ex-husband, he stalked my parent’s house as well as our son’s daycare center. He had lost control and even lost time from work so he could keep tabs on us.
It’s important to create a plan when leaving a physically abusive relationship because the abuser will try every tactic they have to keep you there. You should first connect with an experienced domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan and have a go-bag packed and waiting at either a family member’s or friend’s house.
When deciding to leave, the importance of listening to the right advice (i.e., advocate) could be the deciding factor of whether you remain safe or not. They have the resources you will need to break the cycle of abuse.
8. Tell me more about your book, The Cycle Ended: Saying Goodbye to Domestic Abuse.
The book is a memoir based on my experiences with 3 unhealthy, abusive relationships and how I was able to break the cycle of abuse through years of therapy, support from friends and family, and learning that I deserved better. It also depicts the blossoming romance between me and my current husband. I want the reader to feel how easy it was to get stuck in the cycle of choosing unhealthy partners and how I was able to finally break free and find the love of my life.
9. What inspired you to write your book, The Cycle Ended: Saying Goodbye to Domestic Abuse?
I was part of a book club at our church and met a woman who joined with her infant son. She was quiet and my gut told me that she was in an abusive relationship but because I didn’t know her well, I was uncomfortable bringing it up. A few years later, we met up again and she shared her story of abuse.
My neighbor and I began taking daily walks where she slowly opened up about her abusive marriage. Because abuse is a silent epidemic, I would never have known about her experience if we hadn’t taken the time to get to know one another better.
Because of these two ladies, I decided it was time for me to share my story. For years, I kept what happened to me a secret out of fear. But, through the years, I found my voice and was willing to shout it from the mountaintops to become an advocate for those who haven’t found their voice yet.
10. What is your latest project that you are currently working on?
I’m currently on the Board of Directors for a non-profit called Safe House out of Maine.
Our mission is to focus on making the maximum positive effort in our community. Our members and volunteers provide the momentum that helps us initiate change. Using data driven models, we provide solutions that make a long-lasting difference.
We have an app that will provide resources to all 50 states. We’re currently working on adding all of that information into the app, but as you can imagine, this will take some time.
You can download the app by clicking here.
This article is a part of a series that is created and written by Tracey S. Yang called the Inspirational Women Series. This series is used to highlight and showcase inspirational women across the globe. Tracey S. Yang’s inspiration for this series came from the book Power Up, Super Women: Stories of Courage and Empowerment where she, in the book, is also one of the women coauthors.
About Author
